he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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