Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
