No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
