my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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