those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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