If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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