I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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