The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your cock deserves a montage
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
