Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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