I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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