the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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