The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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