I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
