Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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