Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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