Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
