her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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