I skipped work to stalk him.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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