Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
