You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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