Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My dad just said "fuck circus"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
