in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
