Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
