On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
