I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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