just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
