Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
