he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
