I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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