She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
