obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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