i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
