I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
