Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
