guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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