I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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