I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
