I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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