Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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