i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
