Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
