filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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