If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
