Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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