dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Come share oat with me in your robe
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
