This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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