Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
