I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
