I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
