When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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