Don't make out with my wife yet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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